Today’s been a long day. I just got off the phone with Jonathan, Chase read me a bedtime story and then Jon and I talked for about an hour. I just, blah. This past week at college has been amazing. My classes seem great, I’ve been on top of my work, my jobs are going well, I’ve been making time to see all of my friends and we’ve been having the best time, like I really am over the moon happy here, I love it. But then or hear their voices, or he’ll send me a pic, and we’ll talk about nothing until one of us insists its getting late and we say our I love yous and then we hang up. And then I’m alone in my room, and I just sit here and cry. I feel so silly and dumb but I can’t help it, 9/10 times after I hang up the phone, I cry. I’m just so, blah. I guess the word I’m looking for is pathetic.

I just want to be married already =/

Tags: couples relationships boys married marriage cry college

Jan 18 '12

★

2:46 am

Everything is just so easy with him.

I don’t have to worry about texting him at odd hours, he usually never responds until the morning but I don’t feel silly or annoying. I don’t have to figure out the radio between how many times I text him first vs. he texts me. I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing, or talking too much. I don’t have to worry about admitting when I’m nervous, afraid or uncomfortable. I don’t have to worry about if hell wait for me after I leave for x many of months. I don’t have to worry about him not giving honest opinions. I don’t have to worry about sneaking out of his bedroom to go back to my own. I don’t have to worry about making up excuses. I don’t have to worry about not being good enough, or pretty enough. I don’t have to worry about defining relationships. I don’t have to worry about his intentions.

It just hit me, everything that used to stress me out about relationships, i dont have to deal with anymore.

Do you know how nice this?

All I have to do is love him.
Life doesn’t get any easier, or better.

xx.

3 notes Tags: boys relationships dating love

Jan 3 '12

★

Lots of forehead kisses this morning :)

Decided to sleep in Js bed last night, we ended up going to bed relatively early for us. Woke up to his alarm at 6am sharp, yuck. Laid there for a couple min with my arm over his waist, eyes shut, begging him not to go. I have to say I came up with some pretty good runway/escape/never go to work again plans. Saddly I was met with my typical Hil *forehead kiss* you know I don’t want to *forehead kiss*. He gets up and walks across the room wearing just flannel pajama pants and goes in to shower. Gr, I hope we don’t spend every morning the rest of our lives me begging him not to leave and him doing so anyway. We probably will tough.

I flip on the news to see what the weather will be, shocker, it’s cold. I have a feeling it won’t take me very long to begin missing Aruba. He comes. back into the room wearing boxer briefs and a wet towel draped over his shoulder…for someone whose trying to convince me not to be sad he’s leaving, he’s not doing a very good job. At least put on a shirt god damnit lol. He starts talking to me about the rest of our day as he gets dressed…I’m supposed to take Chase to the doctor once he wakes up, well see what the doctor says, hopefully he’ll just go into school an hour or two late, but he might just have to spend all day home. Which in that case, would be not so good for me. I have lunch plans with a friend, a meeting with a florist, a ton of sketching to catch up on and restaurant business to handle. Well see what happens. J had originally planned on working until the evening shift, he said if Chase stays home hell try to cut out early…blah, I hope so. It’s frustrating that I’m only home for a few days when schools out and he uses them to get more hours at work-_-

He comes over to the bed, apologizes, and tells me he loves me. *forehead kiss*. Still not forgiving him for leaving, regardless if it’s his choice or not. Pouty face in tow, I pulled on a hoodie and some fuzzy slippers and we went down to breakfast. Cheerios and bananas, it’s a lazy morning, who really feels like cooking at this hour anyway. We talk about spending time in Manhattan before we leave for Chicago. Maybe finding a babysitter for Chase and having a date night, something low key just the two of us. I’ll give him this, he knows what to promise me to make me hate him slightly less lol. *forehead kiss* he takes our dishes and puts them in the sink, tells me he has to get going. I walk him to the door and for the first time this morning actually kiss him. I tell him I love him and I’ll call him later, wish each other good days as the door shuts. Anddddd now I’m alone.

I wrap myself up in a blanket, Eskimo style, and lay on the couch with the dog as we both watch him drive off. I wonder if this is what she feels Every time we leave her alone, poor thing.

A tumblr rant later and here I am. I think I’ll let Chase sleep, no need to wake him up I suppose. I just hope everything’s okay with him.

Blahness.

Tags: rant boys

Dec 29 '11

★

1:40 am

I hate that you had to be that boy for me. I hate that you dared me to let you in, and then you stole a piece of me. I hate that you were the one to fix me and care for me. I hate that you let me put all my hopes, secrets and trust into you, and kept them safe, just like you said you would. I hate that after all this time had passed, nothing has changed; you’ve stayed the same and all your promises, still kept. Well except maybe the daydreams involving me and you and forevers. But most of all I hate that I still love you.

If I could have one wish, I’d wish it’d be him, not you.

But I guess time spent and lessons learned happened for a reason. Maybe I needed to grow up and grow strong before this. But if that’s the case, if that’s the purpose you served, why is it still you. It’s almost 2012, why can’t it be his turn.

Tags: boys love rant