I don’t get it. Since I’ve been a little girl smoking has been the most disgusting thing to me. I was at a store one day and my mom told me she was going to hail a cab while I finish paying, when I got out of the store I couldn’t find her, then I spotted her down the corner smoking and I never looked at her the same. I’d go through her purse to take some money (stop judging - it’s what teenagers do) and I’d open the wrong pocket and see a pack of cigarettes and I’m pretty sure my reaction would be the same if I had seen dead rats with guts pouring out. I’ve always refused to kiss boys who smoke. When my friends go outside to some I don’t go with them. Everybody knows when I’m around you don’t smoke, doesn’t matter if we’re in a car, walking, at the pool, you step outside somewhere else. And then I rag you for it later. I don’t know what it is, I’d like be totally in love (fine, infatuated) with a boy and then I’d see him smoke, sometimes only in a picture, and that was it, infatuation over. There was nothing more disgusting.

But with her…

I don’t know what it is, but it’s just fucking sexy. She pulls it off with the whole cool factor I guess everyone else is trying for. The first time I found out she smoked I was super disappointed, it didn’t come up in conversation or anything, we were just walking home from a bar one night and she lit up, but for some reason I wasn’t grossed out. Even now I don’t really care, I’ll go outside with her while she smokes, attempting to stand far away enough not to inhale the grossness but still just close enough. I don’t know what it is. She just looks good doing it. I don’t even mind it, actually, I kindof like it. 

What on earth is going on with me.